in case you didn't know I was a geek before...

let's face it. I love learning. I love school. I love reading. true confessions at last.
all you who prayed for my "return to God" during my "explorations"... this is laughable, because I am sooo happy reading and exploring. I forgot how much I love it when I got so cynical about everything. (and I just realized that that sentence could easily be in reference to a struggle with sexual orientation that the movies say that you go through in college, and I want to clarify I am just talking about religion... hahaha.)

dear mom, grandpa, and rest of the world thinking I am going to end up broke, in debt, and unable to sustain myself because of my pursuit of higher education in religion: I love it. that's all there is to it. and if I live an average life span, I have plenty of time to worry about loan payoff, debt, real jobs, a roof over my head, and everything else. we're talking, what? another 50 or 60 years? and I know that isn't guaranteed time, but who the hell cares if I die in debt? I am soooo happy where I am. I love AU. I love the idea of pursuing more schooling. I love the idea of exploring the world. I love the idea of teaching. I love the idea of investing in people. I love the idea of love. I love the idea of excitement in life. I love the freedom that comes from God to love these things without stressing about other things.

freedom.

freedom.

freedom.

free from your expectations.

free from my expectations.

freedom from the bondage of my pride, my need to please you, my fear, my hate, my insecurities.

freedom. isn't that what the new creation is about?

love. freedom. wow.

Velvet Elvis

I avoided reading the book, "Velvet Elvis," because of all the hype at AU about it. I did not want to just read it to follow the crowd.

I have owned it for six months and only just now read it.

And I am still working on forming the words on it's effect on me.

No, I didn't agree with everything. But I finished it with more hope in my struggles with my faith, Christianity, etc.

I think I am taking a turn to the less cynical. Still challenging and questioning everything, but in a more positive, hopeful way. I guess we'll se where I go from here...

Always hopeful

One of my biggest fears is that my perception of the world will become so shitty that I will lose hope in the good that I have to believe is in all things. May that never happen.

Honesty

Why is it so hard to be honest with others? By not being honest with others, I choose a less fulfilling life. By not being honest, I choose to only expose a small part of who I really am. By not being honest, I hide God's creation from the people in my life. By not being honest, I deprive the people in my life of learning with me, loving with me, caring for me, and just knowing me.

So why do I choose to only reveal small parts of who I really am at a time?

What would life be like if I lived? Really lived? Embraced who I am and strive to grow into who I could be? Why do I doubt who I am so much that I am not willing to be that person?