I have upgraded to a much better site. check it out.

hkadams.wordpress.com

leave comments and let me know you're reading.

1 corinthians 13:4-7
"love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. it is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. it always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."

matthew 18:21-22
"then peter came to jesus and asked, "lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? up to seven times?" jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times."

proverbs 4:23
"above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life."

what does it mean to guard your heart? does it really mean what we take it to mean? are we supposed to love freely, as we have been freely loved, even though it gets blurry sometimes? what if this love hurts you? how do you love again without fear? how do you keep loving without bitterness? how do I become a woman of love and grace when I keep slipping into a pattern of fear and bitterness?

hannah the heretic

"peace by way of war is like purity by way of fornicationit’s like telling someone murder is wrongand then showing them by way of execution" -derek webb

hmmm. violence cannot lead to peace?

let me rewind my thoughts. bear with me. then let he who is without sin cast the first stone. :)

many christians believe that the problem with the world was/is sin. sin separates us from God. a sacrifice needed to be made for the atonement of sin. god sent his son jesus to die for the sin of mankind. jesus was crucified (which is an agonizing execution) and then resurrected, and thus relieves the sin problem. or so many christians believe.so here is where I am stuck.

if peace cannot be achieved by violence, which I want to believe is true, then why did God use violence to redeem the world? better yet, did God use violence to redeem the world? and if that is not the whole story, is that okay? or am I supposed to believe it because of my heritage and because it is the popular vote... so thus making it the most likely way to achieve eternal life?

ps. welcome to my head. if you think these thoughts don't scare me, then think again. but still, welcome. :)

hide and seek

I started it again. the very thing that brought me pain last year. I just went right back to it. habit.

I hate trying to be someone who I am not. and what I hate even more: feeling like I have to do that with even my closest friends.

so... what's it gonna be? am I going to present the person you want to love, or the person I am and hope you still love me?

I'm not perfect. I don't pretend to be. wait, apparently I am. pretending, that is. that's the problem.

you can't make me feel bad about myself... so why do I let you?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

intrigued.

intrigued.

this is probably my current feeling regarding church, christianity, faith, any or all of it. I am not bitter. I am not running away anymore. nor am I cynically rolling my eyes at everything that it comes with.

I want to learn more about faith and religion.

I have hope in the church that it can be better. I view church as a community of people, and I think people need each other... and that is part of what church has to offer. people who don't go to church... I am not as worried about their eternal destinations as much as wondering if they have a community of people in their lives for love and support. (which, ideally, a church gives love and support... but not always.)

that's all I got right now about this. I'm kinda distracted. I think I might write about something else.

what the hell am I supposed to say? to any of you? including You.
I'm pissed.it hurts.I don't get it.I am avoiding the truth.I only think about it when I get quiet enough to hear my heart, so I try to stay noisy.I laugh to myself when I think of the fact I have had a class on grief counseling. yeah. that helps. I have not turned off augustana in a good long while.but I have found comfort in friends. but there is a friend who is missing.a friend who I should be snuggling with and playing with her hair, or her mine.so what now?

ohhh keren.

oh god.

in case you didn't know I was a geek before...

let's face it. I love learning. I love school. I love reading. true confessions at last.
all you who prayed for my "return to God" during my "explorations"... this is laughable, because I am sooo happy reading and exploring. I forgot how much I love it when I got so cynical about everything. (and I just realized that that sentence could easily be in reference to a struggle with sexual orientation that the movies say that you go through in college, and I want to clarify I am just talking about religion... hahaha.)

dear mom, grandpa, and rest of the world thinking I am going to end up broke, in debt, and unable to sustain myself because of my pursuit of higher education in religion: I love it. that's all there is to it. and if I live an average life span, I have plenty of time to worry about loan payoff, debt, real jobs, a roof over my head, and everything else. we're talking, what? another 50 or 60 years? and I know that isn't guaranteed time, but who the hell cares if I die in debt? I am soooo happy where I am. I love AU. I love the idea of pursuing more schooling. I love the idea of exploring the world. I love the idea of teaching. I love the idea of investing in people. I love the idea of love. I love the idea of excitement in life. I love the freedom that comes from God to love these things without stressing about other things.

freedom.

freedom.

freedom.

free from your expectations.

free from my expectations.

freedom from the bondage of my pride, my need to please you, my fear, my hate, my insecurities.

freedom. isn't that what the new creation is about?

love. freedom. wow.

Velvet Elvis

I avoided reading the book, "Velvet Elvis," because of all the hype at AU about it. I did not want to just read it to follow the crowd.

I have owned it for six months and only just now read it.

And I am still working on forming the words on it's effect on me.

No, I didn't agree with everything. But I finished it with more hope in my struggles with my faith, Christianity, etc.

I think I am taking a turn to the less cynical. Still challenging and questioning everything, but in a more positive, hopeful way. I guess we'll se where I go from here...

Always hopeful

One of my biggest fears is that my perception of the world will become so shitty that I will lose hope in the good that I have to believe is in all things. May that never happen.

Honesty

Why is it so hard to be honest with others? By not being honest with others, I choose a less fulfilling life. By not being honest, I choose to only expose a small part of who I really am. By not being honest, I hide God's creation from the people in my life. By not being honest, I deprive the people in my life of learning with me, loving with me, caring for me, and just knowing me.

So why do I choose to only reveal small parts of who I really am at a time?

What would life be like if I lived? Really lived? Embraced who I am and strive to grow into who I could be? Why do I doubt who I am so much that I am not willing to be that person?

Words I Looked Up Today

soteriology- the theological doctrine of salvation as effected by Jesus

humanism- a variety of ethical theory and practice that emphasizes reason, scientific inquiry, and human fulfillment in the natural world and often rejects the importance of belief in God.

theism- the belief in one God as the creator and ruler of the universe, without rejection of revelation

theodicy- the branch of theology that defends God's goodness and justice in the face of the existence of evil


you can only imagine what my next entry will be like with a groundwork like this...

Baptism & Other Images

This morning at church was the baptism service. The pastor said that people who believe in the death and resurrection of Jesus and accept him as lord and savior of their lives follow in believer's baptism. Anoter pastor than told me as I touch the water that it was a renewal of my baptism.

But then I was left questioning the images of faith of both my past and my present. What if my view of Jesus is different than lord and savior? Does that totally invalidate any Christian images in my life, or can I find new meaning in beautiful traditions?

Water gives life. It renews. It refreshes. Baptism gives us hope for new beginnings and growth.

Communion brings people together. Jesus ate with his friends. He befriended the outcasts and ate with them. When we join in communion, we join in a celebration of community.

I refuse to give up everything that I hold dear. But my ideas are constantly changing.

Christian Fundamentals

"I believe in God, the Father almighty, creator of heaven and earth.
I believe in Jesus Christ, God's only Son, our Lord, who was conceived by the Holy Spirit, born of the Virgin Mary, suffered under Pontius Pilate, was crucified, died, and was buried; he descended to the dead. On the third day he rose again; he ascended into heaven, he is seated at the right hand of the Father, and he will come again to judge the living and the dead.
I believe in the Holy Spirit, the holy catholic church, the communion of saints, the forgiveness of sins, the resurrection of the body, and the life everlasting. AMEN."

Can I still find hope if I don't believe in these things that lay the foundation of Christianity? Will my uncertainty about the Bible and the divinity of Jesus change the way I live? How does this effect my perception of my eternal future?

I believe in a God of love. A God who still loves as I question and struggle.

But do not be close-minded; this is not a matter of me questioning and then "coming to my senses" and believing again everything I once thought was true. Please do not pray for my spiritual healing in the sense of a return to the "right way of thinking." I only pray that I have company on my way.

Jesus the Nazarene

Are we missing something when we worship Jesus as God? Is that what he asked for? Have we assigned more to him than was orginally intended?

Are we not called by the prophets to be the sons and daughters of God and to show the world love?

Jesus was a great teacher who discussed and challenged his fellow teachers, the Pharisees. (What I wouldn't give to observe one of those theological discussions!) He spoke of love, and he showed it in his actions. He touched the untouchable. He encouraged the downtrodden. He had an intimate relationship with his creator.

He was killed in a Roman practice of killing a Jew during their religious celebration to show power.

He appeared to his dear friends post burial, but they did not recognize him as the human he was. Could this have been a spiritual resurrection of sorts?

Perameters & the Authority of Scripture

Every idea is based on a belief. Any theological statement made is founded on a set of beliefs (perameters.) Sometimes this is intentional, and sometimes it is not.

A problem I have faced as I have sorted through ideas about God, Jesus, Christianity, Religon, etc. is my uncertainty about the authority of scripture. As I discuss ideas with my peers, the Bible seems to consistently be one of those given beliefs, given perameters.

But I often wonder if we have assigned too much authority to the Bible. Are we reading too much into the Bible as individual verses, passages, chapters, and books? Many will agree that individual stories in the Hebrew Scriptures are included to teach lessons. It can be argued that the story of Creation is not included to report history, but instead to tell that this is a created world, (amongst other lessons.) So then I ask, why do we limit that to the Hebrew Scriptures? Could there be so much to learn from the life of Jesus without focusing and "betting on" the historical reality of his crucifixion and physical resurrection? Could the purpose of the Bible be to present one universal message? Could the Hebrew Scriptures speak of a God of love; could the Gospels speak of a man who showed us how to love; could the letters speak reminders and of applications of the love we were showed by God?