I started it again. the very thing that brought me pain last year. I just went right back to it. habit.
I hate trying to be someone who I am not. and what I hate even more: feeling like I have to do that with even my closest friends.
so... what's it gonna be? am I going to present the person you want to love, or the person I am and hope you still love me?
I'm not perfect. I don't pretend to be. wait, apparently I am. pretending, that is. that's the problem.
you can't make me feel bad about myself... so why do I let you?
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Thursday, August 30, 2007
intrigued.
intrigued.
this is probably my current feeling regarding church, christianity, faith, any or all of it. I am not bitter. I am not running away anymore. nor am I cynically rolling my eyes at everything that it comes with.
I want to learn more about faith and religion.
I have hope in the church that it can be better. I view church as a community of people, and I think people need each other... and that is part of what church has to offer. people who don't go to church... I am not as worried about their eternal destinations as much as wondering if they have a community of people in their lives for love and support. (which, ideally, a church gives love and support... but not always.)
that's all I got right now about this. I'm kinda distracted. I think I might write about something else.
this is probably my current feeling regarding church, christianity, faith, any or all of it. I am not bitter. I am not running away anymore. nor am I cynically rolling my eyes at everything that it comes with.
I want to learn more about faith and religion.
I have hope in the church that it can be better. I view church as a community of people, and I think people need each other... and that is part of what church has to offer. people who don't go to church... I am not as worried about their eternal destinations as much as wondering if they have a community of people in their lives for love and support. (which, ideally, a church gives love and support... but not always.)
that's all I got right now about this. I'm kinda distracted. I think I might write about something else.
Sunday, August 5, 2007
what the hell am I supposed to say? to any of you? including You.
I'm pissed.it hurts.I don't get it.I am avoiding the truth.I only think about it when I get quiet enough to hear my heart, so I try to stay noisy.I laugh to myself when I think of the fact I have had a class on grief counseling. yeah. that helps. I have not turned off augustana in a good long while.but I have found comfort in friends. but there is a friend who is missing.a friend who I should be snuggling with and playing with her hair, or her mine.so what now?
ohhh keren.
oh god.
I'm pissed.it hurts.I don't get it.I am avoiding the truth.I only think about it when I get quiet enough to hear my heart, so I try to stay noisy.I laugh to myself when I think of the fact I have had a class on grief counseling. yeah. that helps. I have not turned off augustana in a good long while.but I have found comfort in friends. but there is a friend who is missing.a friend who I should be snuggling with and playing with her hair, or her mine.so what now?
ohhh keren.
oh god.
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